Sudden onset of extreme procrastination Vs. Chores

[SBU_Ninja]

So my boyfriend and I have gotten a very nice apartment. In the old super tiny hole in the wall I was living at, he lived there and would yell at me and be very upset if I didn't do dishes immediately after I ate (like the second there was no more food on the plate).

Now, I don't know what the hell has happened! I know he works and runs his own company and is doing well, but the better he does, the less he's doing at home, though he works from home more than half the time. He also has the option of sleeping in as late as he wants, going to bed as late as he wants (playing online), and can hang out with his friends to play cards or whatever at least once a week. His alarm will ring but he keeps resetting the snooze for hours at a time. But he now says he has no time to help out with chores because he "works so much". He also uses the excuse "This whole moving out thing is new to me" when I tell him it's unacceptable to not throw out trash, etc.

I DO understand he has the right to sleep in, etc, but me doing all the laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, dishes, buying things we need, etc is really getting me upset. I am cleaning up after 2 people and pets, which isn't fair. It takes hours of my time to keep it clean every day. I recently went on strike and have not done anything he said he would do, as per advice from other people who said "hell do it when he has no clean dishes!" It's all still sitting there for just about a week now, despite constant reminders.

I go to school full time, work and am usually not home from 9 am or so until 10:30pm most days. I don't want to come home to the trash overflowing out of the can and on to the floor, dishes out of the sink and onto the counters, and things filthy. Every single thing is "I'll do it later" or "eventually." Even with food- he said he will buy food and for a week straight we had nothing- I had to just buy food for myself.

Last week he had friends over to play cards and he semi cleaned (didn't do dishes and threw things in closets) to show the apartment off to them. I got home at 11pm, exhausted and had a bad day. They had pizza boxes on the floor, cans everywhere, etc. They were leaving to go somewhere else. I asked him to take the trash out with him and he said he'd do it. Then he was leaving and that he'd do it later. I went to bed he said he'd be home soon. I woke up in the morning and there was a slice of pizza and crusts on the carpet, boxes on the floor, etc. Cat got to it and it was my fault for it being my cat.

Anyway, I've tried talking about this and all it does is get him to say "you're really pissing me off!" And he's calling me a nag (which is now true), though the dishes have now been there a week and I might just cave in and do all of them AGAIN and all the chores AGAIN instead of waiting for "I'll do it later today."

Why would sudden procrastination to this level happen and how can I reverse it?

[yolo]

your boyfriend's acting like slob. You're letting him dominate you into doing his chores. Stand up to him and show him you mean it. If he continues to be a slob, move out.

If you have low self esteem and stay with him, well then there's not much I can do. These kind of things have to be nipped in the bud, as soon as you move in with somebody, you gotta let them know "Look, leaving dishes out is unacceptable". It's like potty training.

[Hornswoggler1]

has he put on any weight recently? does he snore? a sleep disorder could cause excessive daytime sleepiness.. or the late night gaming could very well be the cause!

what about depression? Does he have any other symptoms?

[DHermit]

I sound like your boyfriend (own my own companies, work from home, own my own home, etc), but I'm no where as lazy as that. My GF does my laundry though, which is great.

I'd suggest being honest and up front with him on things that are REALLY important to you that he does. Ignore the little stuff, but if let's say the trash needs to be thrown out after way too many days, specify who's job it is to do those kind of chores.

Also consider hiring a cleaning service. I hire a company (Molly Maid) to come once a month and do a clean of my house that includes taking out all trash in the rooms, cleaning bathrooms really well, vaccuming and mopping the floors, and they even clean my toaster oven / microwave while they clean the kitchen. For my 1500 sqft home it costs $80.

Entrepreneurs are generally procrastinators with ADD, that's just how it is with our personality types. I'm guessing he starts a lot of projects and doesn't quite finish them?

Even if my gf puts my laundry in the washer, I won't take it out, I'll forget as I have so many things going on in my head. I uses lists to make sure things get done. I'd suggest making a list and/or getting him to add key things to his calendar on his work computer.

For the dishes, I have a policy in my house for anyone living here, nothing is left out overnight. Can't put it away because the dishwasher is full? Run it. If it's clean, empty it. Problem solved. I have a zero tolerance policy on that kind of stuff.

To be honest though, ever since I got on Adderall I get 50x more stuff done during the day. Maybe he should try it. I also lost some weight.

Just remember, you can't really change someone. He'll be doing this stuff for the rest of his life. Keep that in mind if you're considering a long term relationship with him. There's some good articles on being the spouse of an entrepreneur. Good luck!

[ltsmash]

just curious, how is the rent split up? Given that he has a full time job and you're a full time student and it is a "very nice apartment", is he paying most of the rent and tacitly expecting that you do cleaning and whatnot?

[matt00926]

OP said she works also in her main post.

You guys seem to be trying to invent excuses for him. From what OP describes, he just sounds like a lazy douche who can't be bothered and thinks he can make/train the OP to do everything.

Pizza slices and crust along with boxes on the floor? How the fuck is that excused by anything???

[Gibonius]

Originally Posted by SBU_Ninja

Why would sudden procrastination to this level happen and how can I reverse it?

We really can't give you an answer for that. Maybe he's stressed, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's just deciding to be a lazy douchebag and make you do everything. If you can't talk to him about it, you have a shit relationship. Him attacking you for bringing up the issues is a bad sign.

Then again, from all your previous roommate horror stories, I'm going to bet you have some serious problems as well and don't realize it.

[demosh]

Originally Posted by Gibonius

We really can't give you an answer for that. Maybe he's stressed, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's just deciding to be a lazy douchebag and make you do everything. If you can't talk to him about it, you have a shit relationship. Him attacking you for bringing up the issues is a bad sign.

Then again, from all your previous roommate horror stories, I'm going to bet you have some serious problems as well and don't realize it.

Maybe he's never lived on his own before, and is completely confused by the whole concept of having to do chores?

[SBU_Ninja]

He's not a lazy douchebag but I think it is relevant to moving out for the first time. But I'm not sure why he is having problems with chores. Sure his room was pretty messy at his mom's but it's not like he didn't do his own laundry and clean up around the house a bit, though it was mainly his mom and sister. I still can't comprehend not equating smelly garbage overflowing with taking it out. Or washing plates because there are no more.

He has started snoring a bit and I haven't even thought of that. His sleeping has gotten strange. This isn't how it used to be. We would go to bed the same time and wake up at a decent hour. This was for almost 2 years. Like I said, he was the one telling me I had to clean up right away when I ate and then went to relax for a bit, so it's not like him at all, hence why I don't think he's a lazy douchebag/slob at all.

I tried talking to him again about it yesterday and no real plan has been worked out, but he washed the dishes as I was picking up food for dinner. We really had no dishes and he was too busy to go out to eat. So they finally got clean. But he still doesn't want to talk about it too much. I'm the kind of person who needs a plan though.

We have no comforter for the third day so he is going to go wash it, as I am busy all day and can't afford to use time to do laundry today.

And the question about rent/bills- it's all under my name and credit but we split it evenly. Apartment's nice because it's big enough and in a nice place and pretty well kept. Very quiet.

And yes, he does start a lot of things and doesn't finish them...with more people than me. Or he takes a very long time to do them.

I like the suggestions of a maid, etc. I might look into that.

[Hornswoggler1]

Has he put on weight?

[matt00926]

A maid is just putting a cover over some actual problem and ignoring it. Maybe if you had a three or four story house, but an apartment? This is something you need to work out between the two of you. It's not like picking up pieces of pizza off the floor or doing dishes takes "takes too much time" for anyone -- they shouldn't even be there in the first place. There's a communication problem or some attitudinal problem that trumps the surface problems here.

Seriously; anyone complaining about "X" chore taking too much time should go read some of Vendetta's posts in the BC -- it's amazing what you can accomplish in one day if you simply get to it and stop procrastinating/doing things half-heartedly.

It doesn't sound like you two are able to freely talk about a problem and come to a sensible solution.

Tell him to clean up his shit and that you aren't going to put up with this crap flat out. Ignoring or coming up with band-aid solutions all the while avoiding the actual problem will only lead to worse headaches for both you and us, the reader.

[illig]

if he makes decent money, then outsource the cleaning... i personally feel that spending money to get my laundry done or shirts pressed is a much better investment than doing it myself... i'm considering getting a maid too, even thought it's a tiny apartment, for the same reason

[odd]

Originally Posted by DHermit

I sound like your boyfriend (own my own companies, work from home, own my own home, etc), but I'm no where as lazy as that. My GF does my laundry though, which is great.

I'd suggest being honest and up front with him on things that are REALLY important to you that he does. Ignore the little stuff, but if let's say the trash needs to be thrown out after way too many days, specify who's job it is to do those kind of chores.

Also consider hiring a cleaning service. I hire a company (Molly Maid) to come once a month and do a clean of my house that includes taking out all trash in the rooms, cleaning bathrooms really well, vaccuming and mopping the floors, and they even clean my toaster oven / microwave while they clean the kitchen. For my 1500 sqft home it costs $80.

Entrepreneurs are generally procrastinators with ADD, that's just how it is with our personality types. I'm guessing he starts a lot of projects and doesn't quite finish them?

Even if my gf puts my laundry in the washer, I won't take it out, I'll forget as I have so many things going on in my head. I uses lists to make sure things get done. I'd suggest making a list and/or getting him to add key things to his calendar on his work computer.

For the dishes, I have a policy in my house for anyone living here, nothing is left out overnight. Can't put it away because the dishwasher is full? Run it. If it's clean, empty it. Problem solved. I have a zero tolerance policy on that kind of stuff.

To be honest though, ever since I got on Adderall I get 50x more stuff done during the day. Maybe he should try it. I also lost some weight.

Just remember, you can't really change someone. He'll be doing this stuff for the rest of his life. Keep that in mind if you're considering a long term relationship with him. There's some good articles on being the spouse of an entrepreneur. Good luck!

I would not recommend telling someone to take amphetamines unless there is a severe reason to take it. There is a reason why you get 50x more stuff done and have lost weight. You are taking a hardcore narcotic. To the OP, it sounds like your BF is spoiled (because at some point you will clean up after him), selfish and a slob. Also not wanting to talk about doing chores is a sure sign that something else is wrong.

There is also the option of living on your own. It's lonely at first but then after a while you never want to live with anyone else again, after 15 years of living by myself know I sure as fuck don't.

[demosh]

Originally Posted by illig

if he makes decent money, then outsource the cleaning... i personally feel that spending money to get my laundry done or shirts pressed is a much better investment than doing it myself... i'm considering getting a maid too, even thought it's a tiny apartment, for the same reason

It cant take more than 15 minutes to vacuum the place, or do the days dishes for two people. Taking out the trash takes all of a minute. This can't really be about being too stretched for time imo.

Ironing shirts is a whole different matter though