Why you want to ruin Horsey's BBQ?

[Horsey]

Some people should just abort their fetuses even if the damn things are in third trimester. In fact I'll go so far as to say it's really a lesser evil to abort some babies even after birth. Some people are just born with like a mole that looks like a goat on their forhead, which portends that they will be evil scum.

This is the type of person that came to our barbecue today. In fact this person came and brought along with him a couple of his fuckwad friends too. Together they are all worth less than the mass of fertilizer that would result if my roomates and I threw them into a dry-distillation oven.

Some background for you, I have a group of friends that includes a bunch of people I know from college, some high-school friends, some random people we picked up over the last few years, and also some girls that like to date douchebags.

We have pretty liberal rules in terms of who you can bring to a group gathering. The rules are as follows:
1) Don't bring douchebags to group events.
It's really that simple.

And yet some of the wenchs in our circle persist in bringing the stupidest cocksure dipshits to our events time and time again. These guys have massive biceps and souped up Infinity G35 coupes, but they don't know an X-Box controller from their crooked penises. Forget about Aqua-Teen and Family Guy references, even simple things like "Shaken not stirred Miss Moneypenny", elicit looks of such blank incomprehension that you want to kick yourself in your own testicles.

Ok before you start screaming that I am an overprotective dipshit, and that likely these are all-American nice guys. And that I'm just some jealous geek, let me just tell you that there are plenty of these boyfriends that hang out with us, and some of the most manly ones are pretty nice guys, and we don't run them off. In fact I can think of two or three examples of dudes that we met because they were dating girls we knew, and now they are just our friends, and we hang out with them more than we hang out with the chicks that introduced us all in the first place.

The guys I'm talking about piss us off because they are douchebags pure and simple. Forget for a moment that they all think they are CEOs in the making, and that we are just lowely "worker bees". Forget also for a moment that they come to OUR BBQ, with like 60 of my friends, and like 5 of them, and then in a loud voice state "Oh the Keg is Bud? That stuff is weak." And then proceed to drink fucking Mike's Hard Lemonade, like that shit is some kind of Manly Drink.

Forget also for the moment that one of them took a dump in our upstairs bathroom, and didnt flush twice to make sure all the particles were gone.

I'm even going to request that you lay aside for the moment that they spent the entire evening shaking their heads at the jokes me and my roomates made. (Yeah we are juvenile, but what the fuck it's our place, and the other 60 people there were laughing. Why the fuck do they have to pretend like they are sooooo cool that they can't laugh at fart jokes).

Yeah forget all that. That shit is all forgivable. The shit that is not forgivable is that they walked into our house and then hit on one of the girls that one of my roomates had invited and CLEARLY marked as his own.

Lemme give you some background on Benny the guy whose chick one of these douchebags decided to "charm".

Benny is the goofiest motherfucker you will ever meet. He is an east-coast Italian who has lived in California for the last 8 years, who to this day sounds like he just stepped off the subway in Manhattan. Check this out, when he says goodbye he says "Eh, take it ease." Not "take it easy." He swallows that last "y". I'm telling you, if he wasn't so gangly and pale, and if his eyes weren't so blue, he'd pass for one of those goombah enforcers that walk around in Adidas tracksuits in New Jersey.

Anyway, Benny is a clueless harmless guy. He kind of stumbles unaware through life. He's never intentionally malicious to anyone, and the only times he really pisses me off is when he can't help himself because he is just not aware that he is being an asshole. I had a thread a little while ago about how he unintentionally always takes my (Malaysian) neighbor's side in fights.

Lemme tell you one little story that illustrates Benny perfectly:

This one time we drove out to some random place in Arizona to go hiking (or was it Colorado, I don't remember, and it's not important anyway). We loaded up on supplies in San Jose, like tents, trailmix, water, sleeping bags etc. There were like 20 people going on this trip. We were gonna carry all our supplies and alchohol in and have a huge party at some random spot, that some chick we know claimed was really beautiful.

Anyway all the trailmix was in the car that me Benny and this girl Jessica were riding in. Jessica was driving, and I was shotgun (because I like controlling the radio), and Benny was in the back daydreaming and munching on trailmix. There was like seriously 4-5 pounds of trailmix in three bags in the backseat. I was totally not afraid at all that Benny would finish it. Even if he pigged out there would be plenty left I was sure.

Anyway the drive was pretty long, I can't remember exactly but I think it was like 12 hours or some stupid shit like that because the girl that "knew" the way really didn't know the way worth shit.

Ok so we get to the campsite and it's already dark. We all unload the cars and setup camp and by the end of it we're all pretty tired. And you know what we all thought would taste real good right then--yeah some delicious trailmix. Anyway the bags of trailmix are all sitting there, pretty much as full as when I bought them. But as I picked them up I realized something was badly wrong. Even in the dim light of the campfire it was clear that all the bags were open.

Anyway I stick my hand in and take a reassuring fist-full of trailmix, and hand the bags off. The bags get passed around. Then I hear this, "what the fuck is this?"

"What the fuck is this, did you buy a bag of nuts?"

And sure enough the handful of mix I have hasn't got a sweet thing in it. There is not a raisin, not a chip of chocolate, not an M&M, not fucking anything but assorted nuts.

I run panicked from trailmix bag to trailmix bag. Each one is a pure mix of fucking nuts.

I scream at Benny "WTF asshole! What did you do?"

Benny looks sheepishly around at all of us, "I dunno, I don't like nuts so I just ate the other stuff."

The piece of shit ate all the raisins and chocolate from like 4 pounds of trailmix in 12 hours. I mean there is not a lot of raisins and chocolate in trailmix, but in 4 pounds of it it's still a lot.

But even though we were eating the equivalent of Southwest Airlines peanuts the whole weekend, we couldn't stay angry at that idiot for too long because he honestly was not being selfish. He just doesn't think about things as he is doing them. I can totally picture him in the backseat of Jessica's car just absent mindedly daydreaming and picking treats out of the bags. That's the type of wayward idiot that lives in my house.

Let me also add that Benny is the type of guy that doesn't even realize another guy is cock-blocking him. And he is also kind of clueless when it comes to chicks hitting on him. And so, as the Universe is an unfair piece of shit, naturally he gets more pussy then me, Bung (my other roomate), and probably any two other friends combined.

I can't say that the girls that Benny fucks are all models. In fact some are so damn ugly that I can't believe he even touches them. But I know at least one has actually been a model (local catelogue model and later stripper, but still a model), and he also has touched pretty much every hot chick we know. Not necessarily fucked them all, but he's the type of idiot that I'm sure never presses for it, but he has made out with every one of them. And he has also made out with a bunch of the (lets just call them) homely girls we know. And I can honestly say that I don't think he treats any of them differently from the hot ones. He's no less or more in love with any of them, hot or homely. And since his room is just a foot and a wall away from mine, I can vouch for the fact that he enjoys them all about the same.

And such is his personality that the girls afterwards don't even bare him any illwill. They treat him like their brother afterwards.

Me and Bung hardly ever get shit for our birthdays. On fucking Benny's birthday there is a flood of phonecalls from every chick we know, and often brownies and cakes and shit too. What the fuck did me and Bung do wrong?

And my fucking neighbors wife is in love with this guy, I'm convinced of this. And to top it all off, the fucking neighbor (the Malaysian guy) loves him too.

Bottomline, he's a lovable goof.

So naturally if you have 60 people at a party who all love Benny, and they see some fucking random idiot hitting on this girl that he obviously likes. Well tensions will flare.

Let me describe the crimes of these interlopers.

Ok so first of all these idiots arrive like 30-40 minutes after everyone else. The guy who is dating the girl we know goes straight to her and barely says shit to the rest of us, his buddies cluster together like they are a bunch of hoplites and we are some Persian rapists or something.

Anyway they do that fucking lame scan that guys do, where it's like, "Oh are there any girls here hot enough for us?"

Honestly guys I know we don't do that shit ourselves. Sure we keep an eye out for potentialy molestable chicks. But we are also genuinely interested in meeting other guys. I mean for fucksake I still can't put together a decent Warcraft III 3v3 team and who knows when I might meet another RTS player. And Bung has this thing about modifying Honda Civics (he is gay when it comes to this), and honestly he will ignore even the hottest girl if someone mentions something about ignition times or some such arcane shit. Bottomline, we like girls but we aren't such dipshits that we can't enjoy a party thats all dudes.

Anyway these guys scan the crowd, and this one guy, I swear he looked like he had just stepped off the set of The Fast And The Furious (goggles and all), walks up to the girl Benny invited.

Ok so Benny doesn't have a thing for Asian girls or anything, but we live in a part of California that has massive amounts of asian girls. So when we hear Benny moaning in his room, chances are later in the day an Asian girl will walk out. It's just the law of averages. More Asians around, so Benny is fucking more Asians (is that even the law of averages, I don't fucking know).

Ok so this chick is one of those hot Asian chicks that actually has an ass and tits. It's rare, but believe me she's stacked. And this douchebag realizes that she is a rare animal and so he comes sidling up. I think he figured that since he was Asian, and since she was Asian, normal fucking rules of decency didn't apply.

He straight up started hitting on the chick. Benny meanwhile is fucking around with meat on the BBQ (strictly speaking he is also fucking around with Tofu dogs and other assorted shit food that only pussy-californians bother with), so he has no idea that the Asian romeo is trying to make moves on his girl.

But Bung notices, and I fucking notice. And god knows everyone else notices. Anyway eventually Benny gets some meat done and gets off the grill, grabs a brew and heads over to his chick with some food on a plate for her.

Now check this shit out. The whole party the douche-bag crew of guys is just sitting around talking to themselves. But soon as Benny goes back to his girl, one of them "just randomly" decided that they want to talk to him JUST THEN. I mean the whole fucking party none of them talk to any of us, but right then, SOMETHING was so fucking URGENT, that he had to talk to Benny.

Anyway the Asian romeo is chatting away with this chick, and meanwhile his cracker frat-brother is keeping Benny busy. Anyway, Bung got pretty pissed off. Actually we both were. I mean our house has an unspoken rule. If we throw a party, then at least one of us has to get laid. Usually it's Benny, and me and Bung obtain some measure of vicarious pleasure--hey at least our HOUSE got some pussy right---YAY (cue audio of Horsey and Bung weeping into their pillows here).

So Bung walks over to the cracker who is talking to Benny and like forcibly impinges on the conversation. He basically starts out mellow but long story short ends up talking all kinds of shit about the modified Infinity G35 that the guys brought to the party. Basically Bung says in no uncertain terms that his Honda Civic with aftermarket shit is a way better car then the souped up G35, or some such shit ( I don't know anything about cars so I can't really provide any details). Anyway Bung is Asian, and so some of the asians in the douchebag crew were getting pissed off.

I think in Asian culture, for one young man to laugh at another's modified import coupe, is like for you or I to spit on another man's forhead, and then to jizz in his eye. Anyway, it didn't come to fisticuffs. Mostly because there were only 5 of them, and also because we have this huge friend Dave, who seriously I think has some hormone imbalance, because he doesn't take steroids but is so fucking muscular that he looks like a roid user. (nicest guy in the world, but his face gets real red when he starts to get angry, and he fucking even scares the shit out of me).

Anyway the guys left and we chewed out the chick and told her not to ever invite her douchebag boyfriend and his friends out again.

Benny didn't even realize we did it all for him. At this moment he is in his room with the girl. I'm in my room posting to Genmay (what's new), Bung is on the driveway chatting with some other jerk about his Honda.

So all's well that ends well.

Cliffs:

1) In which Benny once again bangs a chick.
2) Bung talks about a riced out Honda
3) Horsey faps to genuine porn (not softcore [M] pics)
4) If you are impatient read another thread.

[Tret]

tldr

[rCeAaNd_tYhOiUs]

holy fucking tl;sm

[Claus]

[synaesthesia]

i scrolled through all of that expecting cliffs at the end

i was sorely disapointed

edit;

Originally Posted by Claus

[chriachrias]

Originally Posted by Tret

tldr

[iLikeBewbz]

[redhotfanboy]

dont make fun of people with crooked penii

[Elite_Garbage_Man]

I actually read all of that.

[L33T DragQueen]

He copied this whole story off of ebaums

[Horsey]

Come on, I'm a newb so help me out. What do all these posts mean in english?
tldr? Holy tl;sm?

[Vienge.]

You have a talent. And I want to meet you goofs.

Benny sounds like Rainman but Rainman was kickass...

[Scooter30]

teal motherfucking deer.

[Kazzander]

Let me be the first to say "well written". It may not be Hemingway, Homer, King, or Fitzgerald, but it kept me reading to the end. Please post more stories like this one.

[Totally Awesome]

horsey = copy and paster, am i rite? lol

i called on him even writing this shit.