Why you want to ruin Horsey's Halo2 game?

[Horsey]

You know it’s not like I’m the smartest person in the world. These posts here show I am even unable, sometimes, to put together words with grammatical or logical structure. But those weaknesses don’t bother me at all. Recently someone told me that my hair looked like something from a National Geographic show about tribal initiation ceremonies. Even that highly personal insult I have taken in stride. At parties people will occasionally ask me in all sincerity, “Did you come here straight from the gym? You look like you are dressed for a workout.” So I have abandoned any vanity about my clothing.

What I can’t abide however is for someone to call me an intolerant bigot. That shit is just fucking slander. There is no merit in the accusation whatsoever! How dare she say that!

Dolores is a pretty Asian chick we know. I’m no elitist, but I have no idea how she even became part of the group I hang out with. She’s definitely good fun, and on top of that a sincere and affectionate person, but she possesses certain personality idiosyncrasies which make us cringe sometimes.

Dolores is obsessed about working out and her figure. That really is nothing strange for a woman in this society we live in. However, the thing that is strange is that Dolores will spout nonsensical diet/workout fad stuff like it’s the gospel truth at ANY and EVERY meal she is at.

Dolores: Oh I wouldn’t eat that cheese if I were you. It’s loaded with industrial hormones that upset your body’s natural balance.

Dave: What about this fucking orange, can I eat this fucking thing?

Dolores: Ordinarily I would say yes, but since this is breakfast you shouldn’t eat something so acidic this early in the morning.

Me: What should we eat then? Fucking sand?

Dolores: <giggle> Oh you joker, this granola with soy-milk here is good, carbs and protein in perfect proportion.

Me: Why fucking soy-milk?

Dolores: Oh everyone knows that milk has lactic acid, and that is too acidic this early in the morning. Also did you know that humans are the only mammals that drink milk after being weaned. Clearly drinking milk is probably unhealthy.

Dave: Wow, simply stunning.

Another thing that Dolores does is she assumes that everyone around her is too stupid to understand even the most basic things. So for example at the movie theatre yesterday afternoon this exchange happened:

Dolores: ok you guys can go buy tickets over there.

Jack: Oh what at the ticket office over there? No way! Awesome!

Yesterday evening before we went out all the guys were at Jack’s house playing on Ye Olde Xbox. We were playing a 4-way split screen game of Halo2. The girls were all going to meet us there at 6 for dinner. Dolores gets there before any of the other girls, a full 15 minutes early.

Now I can appreciate a woman that comes early to things. God knows that the other females we know are guaranteed to be at least a quarter of an hour late to their own funerals (even if it’s a cremation).

Yeah being early is great Dolores, but sitting around giving advice to a room full of Halo2 pros when you don’t even know the fucking game is ridiculous. Not to mention that since we are playing split screen, and you don’t preamble your advice by addressing anyone, we have no idea to whom your retarded advice is directed.

Dolores: Pick up the big gun!

Jack: The big gun? WTF what big gun? Are you talking to me?

Me: I think she is talking about me you fuckwad, I just got the rocket.

Dave: What the fuck, rocket spawn camping asshole.

Dolores: Shoot him!! He’s in front of you.

Jack: Who me?

Dave: Who me?

Chen-Ho: Who me?

Me: Woman are you fucking serious!

Dolores: Oh look there is some kind of glowing pyramid, pick it up.

Dave: Oh I was totally going to just skip it, because I already ate too many pyramids. So I was pretty full. But since you insist ok, I will eat it. It’s not to acidic for this evening is it?

Then she sulked all evening because we made fun of her that little bit. Why is it that girls can never take a little joking along these lines? Whereas men just let things like that fall off them, like a dilute urine solution.

But by far Dolores’ worst character trait is that when we meet a new girl, she is guaranteed to be a 100% bitch to her. And the thing about girls is that when one person in a group of girls says something bad about a female newcomer, they will all pretty much hate her right off the bat, unless a sensible female intervenes and crushes that shit at inception.

For example a new girl might have a kind of revealing outfit.

It’s like Dolores will say a couple of bad things to get the ball rolling. “Oh she seems totally nice, but what is the deal with the split in her skirt. I mean it goes all the way to her ass. That’s so weird.”

Then another girl might add another catty comment. “Yeah I totally love her. But she’s such a slut the way she is throwing herself all over Dave.”

Soon another girl will join in, “Oh I love the way she does her hair. But I think she has had to much to drink.”

Then Dolores does the finishing move (Hadouken), “Oh she is soooo sweet. I totally LOVE her. She is sooo nice. But I think she is a streetwalker whore.”

“I love her to death. But lets burn that bitch!”

Unless Kathy or one of the other sensible chicks is around to say “STFU bitches”, likely Dave would have to sacrifice his coat to douse the flames on this woman.

Fucking Dolores!

I can't believe I bitched her out this much just because she called me an intolerant bigot for making tasteless jokes during Amistad.

Chill baby. I kid because I love.

Cliffs:

1) We eat
2) Chick gives us dietary advice
3) We play Halo2
4) Chick gives us Halo2 advice
5) We go out
6) Chick sets another chick on fire.

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( unposted shit at http://horsecrack.blogspot.com/ )

[Roxy]

whattttttt

[Gay-Daddy]

Dear Horsey,

Shut the fuck up.

Love,

G-man

[Code:[M]ayhem]

Stop making threads Horsey you stupid fuck

[Savenor]

This is my favourite thread ever.


edit: I hate you.

[Whale Spunk]

horsey you are by far my favorite forum gimmick

[bggrthnjsus]

i thought this was going to be a rant about xbox live halo 2 players being morons, but this is probably better

[Manboobies]

the deer is teal. i repeat, the dear is teal.


and probably unfunny.

[mashk]

At last, something to read...

edit: btw its no good if you've already posted it somewhere else. Then it's just a of sorts

oh and the teel appears to be quite dear...

[TheBigGuy]

I wonder what website the horsey stole that diatribe from? Not a chance on the planet he thought that up on his own, no one at genmay is that almost literate.

[Horsey]

WTF I just saw and it said Oxblood edited my post. You can edit other people's posts?

[stapuff]

cliffs someone?

[Big Heinous Anus]

Nice post Horsey

[Horsey]

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

I wonder what website the horsey stole that diatribe from? Not a chance on the planet he thought that up on his own, no one at genmay is that almost literate.

I used to post here a bunch but people yelled at me for being gay. So I moved my shit to a blog, and only post here once in a while for old times sake.

[jason_n]