Lard's tourist guide to London

[Lard]

Visiting London soon and not sure what sights to take in? Thinking of going on your holidays but not sure whether London's the place for you? Just want some information on London to use down the pub and impress your mates? Well, you've come to the right place. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this tour of London from the comfort of wherever you are:


Buckingham Palace



The official residence of the Queen Of England and her immediate family. Built in 1837, Buckingham Palace is the most visited attraction in Western Europe. The Americans originally wanted to buy Buckingham Palace and transport it to Washington DC before deciding on the design of the White House. Buckingham Palace has housed every British Monarch since its erection, they had previously resided in a small cottage in Poole, Dorset.

Trivia Fact: Buckingham Palace was the birthplace of Ghandi and Angelina Jolie, whose respective parents were in England on State visits.

Tourist Tip: Get there at around 6am to see the Queen pop down to her local corner shop for her morning pint of milk.



Madame Tussaud's



Madame Tussaud's is home to the biggest collection of waxwork figures in the world. Built in 1835, the original concept was for real life celebrities to come along and stand on platforms while paying customers would come along and gaze in wonder at these marvels. However, with the celebrities demanding £1 an hour and Cary Grant's diva-like backstage demands, Madame Tussaud decided to go in a differrent direction. But that didn't work either so she ultimately decided to go with the wax model idea which has made Madame Tussaud's the most visited attraction in the world.

Trivia Fact: Linford Christie had to have his rather large manhood moulded separately

Tourist Tip: Avoid the boring bit with all the royalty and politicians and go straight to Kylie Minogue, the most groped model in the building



The Tower Of London



Currently holding the crown jewels, the Tower Of London has been used for many things since it's erection by the Romans. It has been a prison, royal quarters, housed dangerous animals, been the HQ of The Official Clown Society (TOCS) and hosted the Olympics in 1908. Today, it is the presence of the crown jewels that provokes the most interest and has made the Tower Of London the most visited attraction in England.

Trivia Fact: For security reasons, the crown jewels are actually kept in a safe in the basement of the bakery next door

Tourist Tip: The code to the safe is 4 8 15 16 23 42



Tower Bridge



Tower Bridge was constructed in 1894 because the residents of London were tired of having to swim to work. It has since become the most visited attraction in Britain. It takes 7 and a half hours to open when a tall ship is approaching, and a further six hours to close. This was particularly problematic in the 1976 London Marathon when the bridge had to be opened, resulting in 17 athletes finishing a clear thirteen and a half hours ahead of the rest.

Trivia Fact: If you stand exactly in the centre of the bridge, you are precisely on the opposite side of the earth to the Sydney Opera House

Tourist Tip: The controls to open and close Tower Bridge are found in a small, unlocked metal box on the northern side of the bridge.



Houses Of Parliament



The Houses Of Parliament consist of three houses, The House Of Lords, The House Of Commons and The House Of Fraser. Built in 1097, The Houses Of Parliament have held the British government and the peers of the realm for over 500 years. Dispite Guy Fawkes' best efforts, the building stands today and is one of the most visited attractions in England.

Trivia Fact: There are more members of each house than seats (no, really)

Tourist Tip: The security guards will not appreciate you running towards the building while wearing a back-pack, shouting Balala Jihad.



London Eye



Despite looking like an over sized ferris wheel, the London Eye is in fact the most visited attraction in all of Europe. The half hour long journey in one of the pods gives excellent views of London. It was originally built in Nottingham and then rolled all the way to London, where it was finally placed into the ground near the River Thames. It stands at an impressive number of metres high.

Trivia Fact: It's design is based on the 'circle' a geometric shape invented by Leonardo Di Vinci.

Tourist Tip: Other tourists in your pod will not appreciate cries of "My God, it's tipping over!"



Trafalgar Square



A hugely popular square in London, the most visited attraction in the Western world, it consists of Nelson's column and four lions. Nelson's body is entombed within the statue, giving it it's excellent likeness. The lions, however, are merely statues. Many morons who think that standing around with signs in their hands will get the powers that be to change their minds often congregate in the square, but due to the large amount of pigeons, they usually get defecated on so the brief disruption in your enjoyment of the square isn't entriely to waste.

Trivia Fact: There were originally 5 lions, but one got bombed in World War II

Tourist Tip: Avoid the god-damned pigeons!

There are, of course, many other places in London you may wish to visit, but to view Lard's tourist guide to those you will have to sign up to Lard's exclusive newsletter at a ridiculously low low price of £34.95 a month. Subscribe now to avoid disappointment!

Yours in all things entertaining,

Lard


edit- You may not have found this thread to be in the slightest bit funny or entertaining, but at least I put some effort into it

[Smeg]

I live there

[skidrow]

nice place.

went there 2 times with school.

[antisechs]

I live in England and didn't know any of the facts. thread.

[Madalynn]

GBP>AUD Phwnage

[FrozenFood]

Originally Posted by antisechs

I live in England and didn't know any of the facts. thread.

little britain is funnah too...

[DemonNite]

i live in london (27yrs!) and still havent gone to the london eye

[antisechs]

Originally Posted by FrozenFood

little britain is funnah too...

I'm not a fan. Give me Peep Show, Darkplace, The Mighty Boosh or Nathan Barley any day .

[Lard]

Originally Posted by antisechs

I live in England and didn't know any of the facts. thread.

I went for 50/50 facts and funny

The dates are pretty accurate I think

[Dr. Tesla]

Never been to england, and would avoid it like the plague.

[antisechs]

Originally Posted by Dr. Tesla

Never been to england, and would avoid it like the plague.

Why ever would you do that?

[Smeg]

Originally Posted by antisechs

I'm not a fan. Give me Peep Show, Darkplace, The Mighty Boosh or Nathan Barley any day .

League of Gentleman FTW

I went to see them live last Thursday

[antisechs]

Originally Posted by Smeg

League of Gentleman FTW

I went to see them live last Thursday

It's some crazy shit.

[Briggsy]

Little Britain is teh good, but the current series is starting to lose its shine.

Nathan Barley is liked by self-loving media and advertising whores.

Hmm, talking of self love, I came here to view PMO didn't I, not a humourous thread about London...

[AndrewHanes]

Nice thread