Jack Bauer Facts

[GrazoTheClown]

1) If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2)Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

3)If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

4) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

5) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

6) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

7) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

8) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

9) Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

11) Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12) If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.

13) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

14) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

15) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

16) Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

17) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

18) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

19) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

20) Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

21) As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

22) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

23) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

24) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

25) Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

26) Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

27) When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.

28) Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

29) When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.

30) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

31) You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

32) Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

33) Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

34) Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

35) If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

36) Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

37) Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

38) It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

39) Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

40) Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

41) People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

42) When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

43) Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

44) Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

45) Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

46) When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

47) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

48) Jack Bauer doesn’t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.

49) Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.

50) The flux capacitor on Doc Brown's DeLorean runs on Jack's blood. One drop generates 1.21 jigowatts of Bauer power. Thousands of Libyan terrorists died for that pint.

51) Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.

52) Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.

53) Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.

54) Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.

55) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

56) The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.

57) Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.

58) Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.

59) Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.

60) The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.

61) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

62) It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.

63) The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.

64) Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.

65) In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.

66) Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.

67) Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.

68) Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile

69) Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.

70) It took 6 women 4 years to give birth to Jack Bauer.

[angrybusdriver]

You're fucking stupid.

[ISAJEEPSLAYER]

[Beastiality4life]

Originally Posted by ISAJEEPSLAYER

[cockholster]

jack bauer wears ribbed comdom inside out for his pleasure

[Vividus]

omfg.

[Opajew]

100% ORIGINAL FUCKING CONTENT THREAD.

[Vigilante]

Jack bauer doesnt approv of joining the bandwagon

[needsmorefrink]

this shit isnt funny anymore, way to kill it beefcake

[Opiate]

These get even funnier the 300th time you hear them. I'm not even kidding.







Goddamn you're a fucking douchecock. Die in a fire

[Opajew]

And a fucking 38K no less, i'm gonna beat you with the niggerstick.

[Code[G]ayhem]

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WASTE OF LIFE YOU

[Bontaur]

Jack Bauer' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.


Jack Bauer is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.


If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer, you may be only seconds away from death.


Jack Bauer has counted to infinity. Twice.


Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.


Jack Bauer' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.


Jack Bauer is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Jack Bauer, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


There is no chin behind Jack Bauer' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Jack Bauer Facts
Jack Bauer once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Crop circles are Jack Bauer' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.


Jack Bauer is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Jack Bauer out. It failed miserably.


Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.


Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Jack Bauer has 72... and they're all poisonous.


If you ask Jack Bauer what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Jack Bauer drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes, ever.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jack Bauer' fist.


Jack Bauer invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.


CNN was originally created as the "Jack Bauer Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.


Jack Bauer can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jack Bauer allows to live.


Jack Bauer once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


What was going through the minds of all of Jack Bauer' victims
before they died? His shoe.


Jack Bauer is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.


Jack Bauer doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.


Jack Bauer doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.


A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jack Bauer and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Jack Bauer will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.


Someone once videotaped Jack Bauer getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.


If you spell Jack Bauer in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


Jack Bauer originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Jack Bauer once and he will fuck you up.


The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade.


Jack Bauer once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Jack Bauer once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Jack Bauer re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Jack Bauer has two speeds: Walk and Kill.


Someone once tried to tell Jack Bauer that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.


Jack Bauer is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Jack Bauer.


Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Jack Bauer's warm-up exercises.


Jack Bauer is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.


In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Jack Bauer turned that wine into beer.


Jack Bauer can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"


Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.


Jack Bauer discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Jack Bauer is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Jack Bauer roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


Jack Bauer doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.


The Jack Bauer military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Jack Bauer could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.


In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.

[needsmorefrink]

94) Jack Baouroauer is dumb

[Mamma Jamma]

Haha, the first thing I did was look at his UID.