OK, i'm a completely a$$ -- how do I fix this?

[skawttieboy]

So i'm a massive creep, did something stupid, and am just looking how I should go about this from here...

I have a girlfriend of 7 months, and we have an Apartment together. I've loved her from day 1 and i've been there for her....she doesn't have much money, so i've help her out. Let her use my car (2005 Saturn Ion) until her mom gives her her old one....she's gotten a flat tire in it, banged it up a little bit....but I fixed and paid for all of it (because mistakes happen).

I've paid for meals, groceries, gotten her a job at my work, kinda taken her under my wing (her father passed away in March, and I've always really felt for her).

So one random night last week, I'm just surfin Myspace, and come across a girl I used to hang out with. [insert asshole part]Send her a message and just briefly mentioned how we used to fool around....stupid stupid stupid, yes, I know...[/asshole part]

Girlfriend takes the day off from work because she was feeling really tired when she woke up. Calls me at work in the middle of a luncheon, screaming about some message from a girl mention sexual activity with me. (just a myspace message, no intention to ever see this girl again)

To put a long story short, turns out she went into my myspace and looked at this message. She says she still wants to be with me, but doesn't trust me. (which I fully expected) Now I don't think I can even show my face around her friends again....

My question is: Should I be questioning her trust as well (she did go into my private material), or did I already dig myself a hole and just need to bite the bullet and play 'bitch'? Just a final FYI, out of the 7 months we've been together, there may have been 3-4 days where I haven't seen her at some point in the day (excluding my weekend family reunion, in which she watched my parents dog)


SHORT VERSION:
-G/F of 7 months, pretty much taken her under my wing
-Send a message to an old flame, just as joke
-G/F goes into my messages and reads this and is extremely pissed out, questioning my trust
-Wondering how to act around her when I go home tonight?


Thanks to all the help in advance -- just REALLY not sure where to go with this one...

[bubu]

Well, this is a tricky situation. It sounds to me like she already didn't trust you and that was the reason for her going into your private stuff. I mean if there was complete trust in the relationship then she wouldn't be poking around in your private accounts. That being said, you pretty much fucked up on this one dude. I think the best route to go would be the following:

A) Say you're sorry. You chose to do that, you messed up, just say you're sorry.

B) Don't do it again. While this may seem amazingly obvious, just don't do it again with another girl or with the same girl you messaged, you have to realize that now she's going to want to login every chance she gets, so don't make this same mistake again.

C) Sometime down the road, try to discuss the issue with her, again just from my own personal opinion, I don't think she trusted you already because if she did, then why would this be an issue? (I have a feeling that if you bring this up now you're only going to add fuel to the fire)

[Kotetsu]

She had trust issues from the beginning if she's spying on your Myspace account. If you truly had no intention of seeking that other chick out and doing absolutely ZERO with her then you're only guilty of fondly recalling the past with her...not an offense of an kind in my opinion. After all...you are your past and that is part of it. If your current g/f cannot accept that then move on.

That your message to this chick was sexually unsolicited I can see as creepy but she responded in kind. So what. Did you really have no intention of seeking her out or are you saying that now that you got caught?

Whatever the case...your current g/f already had trust issues in place which is why she's spying on you. Furthermore if she shares these things with her friends then there's really nothing sacred between you two anyways and well...you should move on.
From my perspective what happens in the relationship stays there...within reason of course. These are the times it doesn't need to be shared and you should NOT feel shame for harmless (for the most part) actions. Of course...you invited the stress in when you sent the sexually explicit email. What the hell did you think would have come of it if you were discovered by other means?

[FlashMagee]

You seemed to have a warped view of this situation. As a 3rd party perspective with nothing to lose or gain from this, I can tell you that you haven't done anything wrong when it comes right down to it. You have the right to talk to whomever you want IMO. Based on what you said, you were just reminiscing. I'm going to look past the fact that she was spying on you, (but dont you forget that) and jump to the fact that you did not do anything to betray her trust. Women tend to make men feel more guilty than they ever should when something arises they do not agree with. To me, that sounds like what's going on here.

You described briefly what you've done for her, and now she's telling you she "doesn't trust you" over something as trivial as a conversation with an old friend on the internet? That doesn't sound fair to you IMO.

My advise is to tell her straight up that she's out of line. Tell her you're allowed to talk to whomever you want, and if you really haven't given her a reason to distrust you, she is wrong for trying to play that card. Be strong but loving, and add a hint of "take it or leave it". I've found that to work with woman who like being dramatic. (Emo if you will)

This post was assuming you haven't done anything in the past to betray her trust, as a precursor for this Myspace spying.

[skawttieboy]

Originally Posted by Kotetsu

She had trust issues from the beginning if she's spying on your Myspace account. If you truly had no intention of seeking that other chick out and doing absolutely ZERO with her then you're only guilty of fondly recalling the past with her...not an offense of an kind in my opinion. After all...you are your past and that is part of it. If your current g/f cannot accept that then move on.

That your message to this chick was sexually unsolicited I can see as creepy but she responded in kind. So what. Did you really have no intention of seeking her out or are you saying that now that you got caught?

Whatever the case...your current g/f already had trust issues in place which is why she's spying on you. Furthermore if she shares these things with her friends then there's really nothing sacred between you two anyways and well...you should move on.
From my perspective what happens in the relationship stays there...within reason of course. These are the times it doesn't need to be shared and you should NOT feel shame for harmless (for the most part) actions. Of course...you invited the stress in when you sent the sexually explicit email. What the hell did you think would have come of it if you were discovered by other means?

First off, thanks to bubu and kotetsu for the replies...both very good posts.

NO intentions to even see the other girl again....it was something 3+ years in the past, and it was merely just joking around.
Perhaps a simple inquiry to her as to who knows about this is in order. If the list is long, then at some point in the future, I will have to question the trust in the relationship.
As for now, I think you're both correct, I should just bite the bullet and continue to say I'm sorry....

[skawttieboy]

Originally Posted by FlashMagee

You seemed to have a warped view of this situation. As a 3rd party perspective with nothing to lose or gain from this, I can tell you that you haven't done anything wrong when it comes right down to it. You have the right to talk to whomever you want IMO. Based on what you said, you were just reminiscing. I'm going to look past the fact that she was spying on you, (but dont you forget that) and jump to the fact that you did not do anything to betray her trust. Women tend to make men feel more guilty than they ever should when something arises they do not agree with. To me, that sounds like what's going on here.

You described briefly what you've done for her, and now she's telling you she "doesn't trust you" over something as trivial as a conversation with an old friend on the internet? That doesn't sound fair to you IMO.

My advise is to tell her straight up that she's out of line. Tell her you're allowed to talk to whomever you want, and if you really haven't given her a reason to distrust you, she is wrong for trying to play that card. Be strong but loving, and add a hint of "take it or leave it". I've found that to work with woman who like being dramatic. (Emo if you will)

This post was assuming you haven't done anything in the past to betray her trust, as a precursor for this Myspace spying.

Interesting that you mention this, because now I'm reminded of times where she'll walk into my room where my computer sits, and will put the whole "Why do you always close boxes on your computer so fast when I walk in the room?"

But to rebuttal, I don't pull that crap...I have nothing to hide...yes, I have dirt on me from the past, but I've also had the whole conversation with her explaining "EVERYONE has dirt on them from the past..." and I've at least had the decentcy to be honest with her and discuss my "dirt from the past" to put her at ease.

[FlashMagee]

Originally Posted by skawttieboy

Interesting that you mention this, because now I'm reminded of times where she'll walk into my room where my computer sits, and will put the whole "Why do you always close boxes on your computer so fast when I walk in the room?"

But to rebuttal, I don't pull that crap...I have nothing to hide...yes, I have dirt on me from the past, but I've also had the whole conversation with her explaining "EVERYONE has dirt on them from the past..." and I've at least had the decentcy to be honest with her and discuss my "dirt from the past" to put her at ease.

Then dont "bite the bullet" if you don't feel you're wrong. I'm an honest man, and I'll own up to my mistakes if I make them. I'll deal with the consequences. But I will NOT apoligize to a woman who is trying to manipulate me just because it will make the problem go away. It might make this paticular problem go away for right now, but you bet your ass she'll pull it again. What are you gonna apoligize to this chick for everything you do for the duration of your relationship whether you're right or wrong?

[skawttieboy]

definitely makes me feel more comfortable about the situation....

[FlashMagee]

Some men will apoligize whether or not they're right or wrong. Usually though, if you're getting that advice its from a married for several years man, and it's when you yourself are married. Married relationships are different than GF for 7 month relationships.

In marriages sometimes you do have to keep the peace, even if it means taking one for the team. Not if it REALLY goes against your morals, but sometimes ya just gotta keep the Mrs. happy.

Keep this in mind: "Fight the battles you really want to win. Let her have the rest."

[Lurker]

A lot of people are spot on in this thread, and I will agree with those who say that she was having trust issues from the start.

[yoda634]

Just sit and talk it over with her. You didn't really do anything wrong, you were just joking and no intentions of following through. Explain that to her, but don't take a defensive, apologetic tone. That'd just make you sound guilty. She probably didn't even do anything wrong either. It doesn't even sound like you have reason to believe she was snooping. She'd do that right after you left, probably, not the middle of the day. Don't be so suspicious unless you really do have a reason to distrust her. My first assumption would be something like she got on your computer to check her myspace messages and didn't notice that your account was logged in or something, then saw "LOL LETS FUCK" to an old girlfriend, and had to read more. Maybe not exactly like that, but I'd guess it's something equally innocuous.

[Avatar Of Woe]

uhhh what?

You pay for all her shit and she flips out because a chick you used to bang sent you a myspace message?

Why the fuck is she on your myspace. Why does she have your password?

[SexiiSteph86]

This sounds like me and my boyfriend 3 months ago. We ALL know I have trust issues. With that being said. I think you should apologize. Even if she didn't go on your myspace. You still did it. Even though you say you weren't planning on seeing her, it could've escalated into something more if you kept on talking to her.

****why do people have myspace accounts when there in a relationship? Myspace is for single people, who are looking for "someone to talk to" or "flirt" or "meet old friends"...there is nothing on that site for someone who is taken. It just gets you in trouble.

My boyfriend had my password and I had his WHEN we had myspace accounts. We both agreed to cancel our accounts, do to ...too many problems. You should do the same, if she means more to you than having a myspace account. Myspace is OVER-FUCKING-RATED!

[freddy]

This shows how having a girlfriend who has "friends" is a real hindrance. You are having to worry about what they think of you instead of working on your relationship.

[MrMaN383]

i was in a similar situation about 6 months ago. i switched shifts so i started work before my girl did. the first day of my new shift (7am start) i got a text from her around 7:30 telling me how i was in big trouble. she had gone onto my computer and read some IM logs that were sexual in nature. when i got home i changed my security settings to require everyone to log onto the computer, cleared the problem right up.