The T Intersection

[S2N3]

Aight, first time caller, long time lurker here...

I figure Genmay has been pretty good in the past with proper advice, even if there are a few out there with less than appropriate responses

I'll try to keep this short and concise, but please be patient if it's too long.

Girlfriend and I hook up. Fantastic chick, just about everything I wanted.
No jimmy hats for me as they kill the party, Chick on BC so all good! Chick stops taking BC without telling me. Hey presto, we have a child.

Now, when I first found out I was livid, but i've stepped up to the plate and I love my kid to death.

NOW.

Chick wants #2. Has been pestering for an exceptionally long time. Says we must have them close together. I'm not even sure I want another AT ALL.

Kids mean everything to her, but before we hooked up she knew that I didn't really want kids.

We fight about this every day and i'm kind of coming to the end of my cord about it all. Everyday she's writing up dates we should try and conceive, she's buying new outfits and prams (yes, more than one wtf?!), she's writing baby names and reading magazines. She says that i'm crushing her dreams and it's all she wants.

However, it's not really what I want. I've tried talking to her reasonably, saying that I don't feel I’m ready, which I’m not, and she just says that's a answer. The only reason I couldn't want another kid is because I don't want to be with her.

Now yes, i'm an overly anxious person, don't get me wrong, but I also pride myself in being a good dad. I find that VERY stressful. I don't think i'm ready for the extra stress that #2 provides. She says that she'll do all the work, which is untrue, but even so, it's shouldn't be like this.

this is very quickly coming to a T-intersection where we're going to go ahead or split.

If I come out and tell her flat out “No”; we split.

I want to do right by my family, but I don't want to fuck myself at the same time

Edit:: Important note, during her fertile period... She's like a dog in heat, then cold for the rest of the month. I kind of try to avoid sex with her at all because I just feel used for another kid. She gets mad if I try to use any form of contraception..... arrghhh!!

[Gabbo]

If you're not financially ready or physically/mentally ready, hold off on having one. If she can't accept that as a reason, paying to support one is not as much as paying to support 2 if you have the kid and split down the road. I'd say walk if you can't find some common ground.

[S2N3]

Originally Posted by Gabbo

If you're not financially ready or physically/mentally ready, hold off on having one. If she can't accept that as a reason, paying to support one is not as much as paying to support 2 if you have the kid and split down the road. I'd say walk if you can't find some common ground.

Well that's what i've been doing. I've been pushing it back, but now it's getting really bad. She's a fantastic girl, so I don't really want to break up. Also I don't see that being fair on my child. I don't mind the child support (for one), but yes, I have also thought about CS for two and that seems a bit dodgy.

Don't get me wrong, I mean this in the best possible way.

One is an accident. Two and you're there for life.

It's a terribly shitty situation either way.

[tmoney1876]

Not to bash the mother of your child... but you are delusional if you think she is "such a great girl" when she quit taking BC without telling you (99.99% chance she did it expressly to get knocked up) and now she is giving you an ultimatum to have another kid that you don't want.

You need to have a talk with her where she actually listens to you instead of sticking her fingers in her ears and screaming what she wants. Seriously consider couples therapy.

A second child isn't completely out of the question, is it? You just don't want one right now. Try to have a conversation with her, try some therapy to deal with this stuff. It is good that you want to make this work, but having another kid will not solve the problem.

[Gabbo]

Originally Posted by S2N3

Well that's what i've been doing. I've been pushing it back, but now it's getting really bad. She's a fantastic girl, so I don't really want to break up. Also I don't see that being fair on my child. I don't mind the child support (for one), but yes, I have also thought about CS for two and that seems a bit dodgy.

Don't get me wrong, I mean this in the best possible way.

One is an accident. Two and you're there for life.

It's a terribly shitty situation either way.

How old is the first kid? I can kind of understand the 'wanting to have them close together', but if the first kid is only like a year old, it's not going to hurt him/her if isn't a sibling for a while.
I know a split would suck for your kid, broken homes etc, but if it comes to it, you could always end up raising him/her if your girlfriend is unfit. But that's an entire other story.

[ad hoc]

Originally Posted by tmoney1876

Not to bash the mother of your child... but you are delusional if you think she is "such a great girl" when she quit taking BC without telling you (99.99% chance she did it expressly to get knocked up) and now she is giving you an ultimatum to have another kid that you don't want.

You need to have a talk with her where she actually listens to you instead of sticking her fingers in her ears and screaming what she wants. Seriously consider couples therapy.

A second child isn't completely out of the question, is it? You just don't want one right now. Try to have a conversation with her, try some therapy to deal with this stuff. It is good that you want to make this work, but having another kid will not solve the problem.

well put sir. Also I would like to add that she said you are killing her dream of having another kid. You should point out that it was your dream all along to not have kids. Relationships are all about compromise, and if she doesn't want to do it, then you have alot of stress coming your way.

[S2N3]

You see, you guys are being rational. I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but i'm going to; Women arn't rational, they think with their hormones more than we do our dicks.

My child is 2. She wants them 2-3 years apart max. It's funny you mentioned the councelling thing, because she suggested that I go, because there's something holding me back from being the "family guy"

The fingers in the ears thing is exactly how it goes, She point blankly refuses to see my opinion. I know her opinion exists, hell I understand why, but I don't agree and that's where all the arguments come from.

Yeah, the thing at the start of the relationship was shitty, it's true, in fact, I struggle daily to come to terms with it, because lets face it, at the moment, i'm responsible for the house, cars, food bills (she's a stay at home mum). When it all gets too much, I just have to stick with it so I can support my family, when it's not really the choice that I wanted.

Couples therapy is a good thing, but i'll probably get a female counsellor who thinks i'm nuts for not wanted more kids. (every other female things im mad),

At the same time, i'm not sure I want to lose the relationship, mainly because of self-confidence issues.

Something I forgot to mention:

During the pregnancy (from like the moment we found out) until about a year after, she was horrible. I mean, holy fucking shit horrible. She was rude, demanding and mean, but I stuck through it, I left (was kicked out) a few times but always came back.
then about a year ago, I though about leaving, for real. I was dead serious and she started appologizing. My main argument was how can we think about more family members when we can't even sort our own shit out. Since then she says it was her "wake up call" to be a better person, but I can't help but see it as a facade to help her get her own way.

So yeah, she has been better, but is it a lie? Who knows?

Do I split then regret the decision forever?

I guess that's why I came here. Thanks for the help so far guys (b>.>)b

[theNoid]

Sounds me to like you need to keep your cock away from her vagina entirely. Don't play this game of talk here, talk there .. dodging the kid subject only to (if even only one week a month) 'stab away'.

If you want to make a point, MAKE A POINT. Make it damned clear how you feel, not only with your mouth, but with the cock. Besides that, only you know what could really work to help her understand your wants.

I'd recommend telling her, "I am not ready for another child, and if that means I don't get laid... so be it." Even if you'r bluffing, or outright lying.. STICK TO IT. She sounds driven 100% by emotion which means you're guaranteed she will back down given time.

You just need to figure out a way to make her atleast understand you. I'm having a hard time telling you anything else because you're telling us you dont' want kids, you argue, she talks about kids, names, clothes... but then you go ahead and make with the sex anyways. You're playing mind games...remember ... women think emotional with hormones.. logic typically doesn't exist.

You need to draw a line in the sand and stay put, whatever the cost. Why ? Because I know your gf's type... You described the wretched, most self centered type gf there is. The ONLY thing she will respond to is a man standing over her, forcing her ears to fold back like a dog to its master. Not that women are dogs.. they certainly are not, but certain types of selfish, self projected pedal type of girls will only respond when someone stands atop them, and calls them out. I'm dead serious... draw a line. Be forwarned though.. she'll throw a fit and probably say something irrational and over the line.. let her. Then wait 2-3 weeks and watch what happens ....

ps. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if shes on fertility pills. Don't ask, do a little detective work and see for yourself. Start with the purse

[S2N3]

Originally Posted by theNoid

Sounds me to like you need to keep your cock away from her vagina entirely. Don't play this game of talk here, talk there .. dodging the kid subject only to (if even only one week a month) 'stab away'.

If you want to make a point, MAKE A POINT. Make it damned clear how you feel, not only with your mouth, but with the cock. Besides that, only you know what could really work to help her understand your wants.

I'd recommend telling her, "I am not ready for another child, and if that means I don't get laid... so be it." Even if you'r bluffing, or outright lying.. STICK TO IT. She sounds driven 100% by emotion which means you're guaranteed she will back down given time.

You just need to figure out a way to make her atleast understand you. I'm having a hard time telling you anything else because you're telling us you dont' want kids, you argue, she talks about kids, names, clothes... but then you go ahead and make with the sex anyways. You're playing mind games...

ps. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if shes on fertility pills. Don't ask, do a little detective work and see for yourself. Start with the purse

Aye, I'm pretty sure she is. (on fertility pills)

I'm not really playing mind games because i've expressed how I feel on numerous occasions. However I can agree that I don't just stamp my foot on the floor for fear of an ultamatum. There's a part of me that thinks I shoud "Take one for the team" and who knows what the future holds...

Then there's the "Fuck all that " part of me too

[BethComesFromAbove]

Wow, she sounds psycho... and also sounds like she doesn't give a damn about you, i.e. you are a sperm donor and a convenient stand-in for a Norman Rockwell-esque daddy in her mind. Any guy can take your place as long as he's virile and planning to stay tethered to her; she has a picket-fence 3-kids-and-a-golden-retriever dream and is willing to stick any hapless guy into it, sounds like. All in all, sounds INCREDIBLY unhealthy for you, her, and any children involved.

[tmoney1876]

The thing about counselors is that THEY AREN'T JUST HER FRIENDS. I promise you that this counselor male or female will not just side with her.

It is absolutely retarded of her to tell you that YOU need to go to therapy to figure out the problems with your relationship. Make her go to therapy with you, female would probably be even better. I know you are prejudiced because of your psycho GF, but there are good family therapists out there.

I'll say it again HAVING ANOTHER KID WILL NOT FIX PROBLEMS. Trust me. I am that kid! My parents are divorced.

[RiderOnTheStorm]

Originally Posted by BethComesFromAbove

Wow, she sounds psycho... and also sounds like she doesn't give a damn about you, i.e. you are a sperm donor and a convenient stand-in for a Norman Rockwell-esque daddy in her mind. Any guy can take your place as long as he's virile and planning to stay tethered to her; she has a picket-fence 3-kids-and-a-golden-retriever dream and is willing to stick any hapless guy into it, sounds like. All in all, sounds INCREDIBLY unhealthy for you, her, and any children involved.

Aaaaand scene. Couldn't have said it much better.

[PrettyInPink]

http://www.violentacres.com/archives...ctioning-child

Interesting point of view in that blog

[Lyndzie_kitten]

Why does she want another child? Has she been on this kick for a long time, or is this a recent developement?

Here's a little story for you. Shortly after I was born, my mother got very sick. She came very close to dying more than once. The doctors told my parents there would not be a second child, and they should just be greatful that this one (me) still had a mother. I wouldn't say I was spoiled rotten, but whenever my mom wasn't in the hospital, She spent every waking moment with me. My aunt and cousins were like a second family who adored me, and I was my daddy's little princess. 5 years later, my sister was born. Mom was lucky enough to have the chance to give me a sister. Unfortunately shortly afterwards she had to have a hysterectomy. Anyhow, for the first few months I was pretty tickled about having a sibling, but pretty soon I grew to hate her. Her being there meant I had to share the attention- something I had never had to do before. Okay.... really long story short- I hated the kid until I was around 15. That's a long time to hate your sibling. I'm not talking just didn't like the kid, I'm talking I beat the piss out of her and it felt GOOD, because I secretly wished she'd just die and fuck off, because I still remembered what it was like to be the only one.

Why did I feel the need to tell you all that? Because I will NEVER have my kids far enough apart that they can remember what it's like to be the only one. There's enough sibling rivarly that comes naturally in most kids without adding something like that on top of it. When I think now of all of the years I wasted hating my sister, it sickens me. She's the most precious thing in the world to me now. Perhaps your girlfriend wants to give her children the best she can in life, and part of that, to her, is giving them a companion, a friend, an everything that a brother/sister can be, sooner rather than later, so that there's less of a chance of her kids growing up the way my sister and I did. I am SO lucky that my sister didn't just disown me, after all of the years of abuse I put her through. I know I wouldn't want that for my kids.

That being said- if you REALLY don't want another one, it's time to just tell her so if she really wants another one, she can make that happen. In my mind, once you have kids, the things you decide should be based on what's best for the family as a whole, not just for your selfish desires. Personally, I think if financially you can handle another child, it's in your family's best intrest to have another one. Growing up an only child is a lonely thing- I had my share of only child friends in school, and let me tell you, those kids are fucked up and no fun to play with. They just don't have the social skills. And they pull your hair. And never let you play with glitter fun barbie and always make you play with barbies friend theresa who NEVER had clothes nearly as nice as barbies.

edit: incase it wasn't clear, I was suggesting she have babies with another man if you won't give them to her. Sorry dude. It's biased advice, but I've got babies on the brain so that's all I can offer you. Good luck anyhow.

[NleahciM]

This thread makes me think of this: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

Not that I'd recommend it, as I believe in being honest in relationships, but, well, she started it.



I guess if I were in your spot right now - I'd be taking a really careful look as to if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this chick. Having a second child with her is just going to be one more thing keeping you two together - and you have to figure out if that's a good thing.