General [M]ayhem

Go Back   General [M]ayhem > Real Time Sub-Forums > Bone Closet
Register Members List Mark Forums Read [M]erchandise Calendar

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Sen
 
Am I just a convenient girlfriend?

edit: It's been resolved. I'm leaving this up here because I hate it when people edit out their threads

A little background: My boyfriend and I started going out exactly two years ago today. We've been living together for a year and a half. We're not the type of couple that says "I love you" after every phone call, we're not one of those annoyingly cute couples. But we "make sense". We have a lot of similar views, a lot of things in common, we have an ability to settle a lot of arguments without them becoming fights. When we first met we fell ridiculously in love. We've spent pretty much every day together ever since.

I feel like I'm still ridiculously in love. I don't know if the same goes for him, or whether I have simply become a girlfriend that's convenient to have around. I see how I would be... I'm incredibly faithful, I wouldn't think of doing anything with anyone else no matter how bad things went between us. I'm in school constantly, but at least once or twice a week I have a nice meal waiting for him when he gets home. I'm a total geek, and am into a lot of the things he's into. I love video games. I'm fun in bed, I'm willing to try things a lot of girls wouldn't. I'm at least fairly attractive, and I make it a point to stay in shape.

He used to tell me he loved me all the time, I'd hear it at least a couple times a week, anyway. Now, I haven't heard it in over a month. It's our anniversary today, and I don't think I'll hear it today either. I've been staying up at night over this, worrying, thinking what's coming up next, whether this relationship has long term potential, whether I can do better, whether I deserve better. I'm feeling tired. I'm so afraid I'll end up like my grandmother who is an incredibly kind, beautiful woman, a wonderful wife, and hasn't heard the words "I love you" in probably 40 years.

There have been so many times since we've been together that another guy has attempted to ask me out, and I simply said, sorry, I have a boyfriend, and the guy replied with "he's a really lucky guy" or something of the sort. I don't feel like he feels the same way at all.

For those of you who will say "Well, you should talk to him", I have. We are really open with each other and communication is easy for us. In this case, his reply was just frustrating. He simply said that he does tell me that he loves me, I just don't notice it. How am I not noticing it or paying attention when I've been waiting for it, listening for him to say it, for the past month, HOPING that he will say it JUST ONCE. Obviously he somehow thinks he says he loves me, but he doesn't.... I don't even think he realizes how much this is affecting things between us and our relationship, or how frustrating it is for me.

I guess I kind of want to vent, but also see your guys' opinions on the situation. Sorry if it turned out kind of long, but no cliffs for you. No bel air either.
__________________
thank you, ants. thants.

Last edited by Sen; 11-17-2006 at 05:27 PM..
Old 11-16-2006, 07:24 AM Sen is offline  
Reply With Quote
#1  

Advertisement [Remove Advertisement]

ChefBoyardee
 
Is he worth it to you? Does he have a decent income and a good outlook for his future career goals and such? Is he really good looking?

If you answered Yes to any of these, then you want to be with him, and it seems like you want to be with him, and he wants to be with you as well (2 years congrats).

It seems like there is a possibility that he has recently \"seen the grass on the other side\" if you know what I mean. No that doesn\'t mean he is cheating on you, but I will go as far as to say that he is thinking about what it might be like with that one super hottie at work or something. Probibly because she started talking to him, just being friendly, you know? And then he sees this and tells himself \"hmm, maybe since I get along so well with her, there is a chance of me getting with another girl\" that is much more successful/good looking/whatever than he thinks you are right now. Like, at first, you were the best he could do, but now he thinks he can do better for whatever reason.

That is my two cents
Old 11-16-2006, 07:33 AM ChefBoyardee is offline  
Reply With Quote
#2  

Sen
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChefBoyardee View Post
Is he worth it to you? Does he have a decent income and a good outlook for his future career goals and such? Is he really good looking?

If you answered Yes to any of these, then you want to be with him, and it seems like you want to be with him, and he wants to be with you as well (2 years congrats).

It seems like there is a possibility that he has recently \"seen the grass on the other side\" if you know what I mean. No that doesn\'t mean he is cheating on you, but I will go as far as to say that he is thinking about what it might be like with that one super hottie at work or something. Probibly because she started talking to him, just being friendly, you know? And then he sees this and tells himself \"hmm, maybe since I get along so well with her, there is a chance of me getting with another girl\" that is much more successful/good looking/whatever than he thinks you are right now. Like, at first, you were the best he could do, but now he thinks he can do better for whatever reason.

That is my two cents

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I know he wouldn't cheat. He's not the type to do that... But I feel like his heart is preoccupied with something / someone else, that I'm not his top priority anymore. I'm afraid that he's simply with me because I'm convenient, I'm already there, he knows I'm faithful. If he starts going out with a new girl, he will never know what he'll get.

And yes, he makes a decent amount of money and has goals / plans for the future, but I don't see how that has anything to do with it. I'd still be with him if he was broke and had no job (when I met him he was unemployed and had trouble finding a job). I myself am still in school but have no doubt I'll be making a decent amount of money a little while once I'm out, so financially I'll never need to be dependent on anyone else. That has nothing to do with it.
__________________
thank you, ants. thants.
Old 11-16-2006, 07:37 AM Sen is offline  
Reply With Quote
#3  

mctwin2kman
 
Funny sort of. My wife and I have been married 5 years and together 8. We still say I Love You several times a day to each other and every phone call. But her and I had a talk about two months ago when she said I did not complement her very often like I used to. I thought I did but I realized later that she was right and I just kind of stopped doing it assuming she knew that she was hot to me. Some times we guys just get complacent and do not realize we are no longer complementing or saying I Love You..... Talk more to him and just let him know that you would like to hear it more as it makes women feel better to hear these things instead of them being implied. Men do not seem to need or really care how often it is verbalized. Women in general like the verbalization.
__________________
~Jamie
_____________________________
2003 MB Pewter C230K SC C1, C4, C5, C7, heated seats, CD Changer, and 6 Speed.

1986 MB 190E 2.3 Black, Auto, Heated Drivers Seat, Passenger soon!
Old 11-16-2006, 07:51 AM mctwin2kman is offline  
Reply With Quote
#4  

Sen
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mctwin2kman View Post
Funny sort of. My wife and I have been married 5 years and together 8. We still say I Love You several times a day to each other and every phone call. But her and I had a talk about two months ago when she said I did not complement her very often like I used to. I thought I did but I realized later that she was right and I just kind of stopped doing it assuming she knew that she was hot to me. Some times we guys just get complacent and do not realize we are no longer complementing or saying I Love You..... Talk more to him and just let him know that you would like to hear it more as it makes women feel better to hear these things instead of them being implied. Men do not seem to need or really care how often it is verbalized. Women in general like the verbalization.

We've had that same conversation like 3 times this month already. I still haven't heard a single "I love you". I feel like I'm just nagging now, and don't see the point of it.
__________________
thank you, ants. thants.
Old 11-16-2006, 08:08 AM Sen is offline  
Reply With Quote
#5  

mctwin2kman
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sen View Post
We've had that same conversation like 3 times this month already. I still haven't heard a single "I love you". I feel like I'm just nagging now, and don't see the point of it.

Sorry to hear that. If he cares he would listen. If not then I am sorry to say he is just with you for the convenience factor. He is shopping around now. Maybe he will just realize what a tard he is and go back to what he used to do. But in the end it is probably best to move on. At least let him know your feelings and that this lack of Love may be the end.
__________________
~Jamie
_____________________________
2003 MB Pewter C230K SC C1, C4, C5, C7, heated seats, CD Changer, and 6 Speed.

1986 MB 190E 2.3 Black, Auto, Heated Drivers Seat, Passenger soon!
Old 11-16-2006, 08:21 AM mctwin2kman is offline  
Reply With Quote
#6  

ChefBoyardee
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mctwin2kman View Post
Sorry to hear that. If he cares he would listen. If not then I am sorry to say he is just with you for the convenience factor. He is shopping around now. Maybe he will just realize what a tard he is and go back to what he used to do. But in the end it is probably best to move on. At least let him know your feelings and that this lack of Love may be the end.
yep.

tell him to shape up or ship out. If he shapes up, then you win cause he wants to be with you
if he ships out then you win cause then you waste no more time on him and you get to kick HIM to the curb
Old 11-16-2006, 08:33 AM ChefBoyardee is offline  
Reply With Quote
#7  

ScumBag
 
ScumBag's Avatar
 
If he's good in every other way, but you're not getting the "I love yous" I would not turn this into a huge drama.. lol...

perhaps he just has alot of things on his mind right now.
Old 11-16-2006, 08:47 AM ScumBag is offline  
Reply With Quote
#8  

Sf_J
Has a tidy sheath!
 
Sf_J's Avatar
 
Does he express his affection in other ways? Some guys aren't that good at verbally expressing themselves, but will show their love by their actions instead. I'm kind of guessing he's not because I don't think you'd be questioning his mindset so much if everything else was okay.

I don't mean to cast more doubts or negativity your way, but almost all the relationships I ended unravelled this way. The guy would become more distant and preoccupied with something else to the point I felt very neglected, be it school, work, drugs, or another girl. The problem is that they'd never confirm it until I walk away, which made the decision for me very difficult and too long in coming. Everytime I'd bring it up they would say they still cared for me and that I was overreacting, but after I ended things I'd find out I wasn't paranoid.
Old 11-16-2006, 09:02 AM Sf_J is offline  
Reply With Quote
#9  

Lurker
im a dumbass who posts my bosses credit card number onto the internet for people to abuse
 
Lurker's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChefBoyardee View Post
Is he worth it to you? Does he have a decent income and a good outlook for his future career goals and such? Is he really good looking?

If you answered Yes to any of these, then you want to be with him, and it seems like you want to be with him, and he wants to be with you as well (2 years congrats).

Sounds like really shallow things to keep a relationship together.
__________________
Disclaimer: Any views or opinions presented in this post are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of anyone else.
Old 11-16-2006, 09:05 AM Lurker is offline  
Reply With Quote
#10  

Sen
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie View Post
Does he express his affection in other ways? Some guys aren't that good at verbally expressing themselves, but will show their love by their actions instead. I'm kind of guessing he's not because I don't think you'd be questioning his mindset so much if everything else was okay.

I don't mean to cast more doubts or negativity your way, but almost all the relationships I ended unravelled this way. The guy would become more distant and preoccupied with something else to the point I felt very neglected, be it school, work, drugs, or another girl. The problem is that they'd never confirm it until I walk away, which made the decision for me very difficult and too long in coming. Everytime I'd bring it up they would say they still cared for me and that I was overreacting, but after I ended things I'd find out I wasn't paranoid.

He does show his affection other ways. He's very affectionate. He also takes me out to lunch or dinner or to see a movie every once in a while, which is something I never ask for.

His defense is that he feels that he doesn't need to say "I love you" because I should see it in his actions. The thing is, while I do see it in his actions, I constantly have to interpret them for myself. And the thing that really gets to me is the fact that he used to tell me he loves me, and later just stopped - if it was his idea all along that love is shown and not expressed, I'd be fine with it. I'd still yearn for him verbalizing it, but at least I'd understand why he isn't. But in this situation, he basically just stopped, and I keep analyzing everything, and second-guessing his feelings.

The thing is, yes, he does things for me. But previously, I've been with guys who threw money / things / favors into the relationship, while they never really loved me, nor did I love them. That's not at all what I'm looking for, and to me it's hard to see it now as an "I love you".
__________________
thank you, ants. thants.

Last edited by Sen; 11-16-2006 at 09:35 AM..
Old 11-16-2006, 09:30 AM Sen is offline  
Reply With Quote
#11  

VEGAS
 
It sounds like you are really insecure.

You shouldn't have to say "I love you" to each other to know that you love each other esp. if you have been together for a while.

I guess you'll know later today if he really loves you seeing as today is your two year anniversary.
Old 11-16-2006, 09:35 AM VEGAS is offline  
Reply With Quote
#12  

Sf_J
Has a tidy sheath!
 
Sf_J's Avatar
 
well, he is just being stubborn. Especially if it's something he used to do and something you've told him that you need. It's a little thing that's becoming a bigger issue because he refuses, like you said it's causing you to second guess him when perhaps there is no basis for it.
Old 11-16-2006, 09:38 AM Sf_J is offline  
Reply With Quote
#13  

Zetherin
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sen View Post
That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I know he wouldn't cheat. He's not the type to do that... But I feel like his heart is preoccupied with something / someone else, that I'm not his top priority anymore. I'm afraid that he's simply with me because I'm convenient, I'm already there, he knows I'm faithful. If he starts going out with a new girl, he will never know what he'll get.

And yes, he makes a decent amount of money and has goals / plans for the future, but I don't see how that has anything to do with it. I'd still be with him if he was broke and had no job (when I met him he was unemployed and had trouble finding a job). I myself am still in school but have no doubt I'll be making a decent amount of money a little while once I'm out, so financially I'll never need to be dependent on anyone else. That has nothing to do with it.

You say you've communicated, but if you're just going by these hunches, then no, you haven't communicated fully. Asking him once why he doesn't say 'I love you' is NOT communicating fully. The mere fact that you made a thread because you don't know the answers to questions obviously means you have to talk to him more.

You're forced to try a different approach - make sure you let him know this is a genuine concern of yours; if he really loves you, he will care and respond accordingly. Dig deep and find out his TRUE feelings, not those that he tells you to get you off his back. If you prove to be unsuccessful, and you still feel there is a bond that you aren't ready to lose yet, then try and try again. Try as many times as the love you have for him will take you. If at the end of all of this he hasn't made one effort to do the same, well, you know what has to be done.

Bottom line: Don't give up. But, don't give up too much in the process - know when to let go.
__________________
Every positive value has its weight in negative terms.

Last edited by Zetherin; 11-16-2006 at 09:47 AM..
Old 11-16-2006, 09:38 AM Zetherin is offline  
Reply With Quote
#14  

darnnit2
 
Sadly, it sounds like you are being taken for granted. A year and a half is a long time for some people and it is entirely possible that you are a girlfriend of convenience. After all, you are living together and the harsh reality of that is that breaking up means has significant financial repercussions.

So what do you do at this point? I wish I had some decent advice on that front. It sounds like you are trying really hard to make this work out and this guy is either oblivious or incompetent. The subtext I'm reading in your post makes it sound like you're basically telling the guy, "If you're not careful, you might lose me."

I think this is an entirely fair position on your part. You've told him repeatedly what he can do to "save" this relationship and he simply is not doing those things. While he might feel he is trying or doing enough to fix things, you clearly do not share that belief.

While I hope things go well today, I think it is very telling that you are expressing such doubts on your anniversary. If things do not improve today or very soon, you simply have to put the guy on notice. You have to tell him straight up, "I am unhappy with how things are. I still have {insert appropriate level of feelings here} for you, but I cannot go on much longer like this. I know it seems like I may be nagging, but it's because I care about this relationship/us. If you do not change {insert concrete things you want him to change}, I will have to leave you. It will break my heart, but I have to protect myself."

I should so totally work for as a screenwriter for soap operas.
Old 11-16-2006, 09:39 AM darnnit2 is offline  
Reply With Quote
#15  

Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:21 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.