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nalgene
 
I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend anymore.

This is hard to type.

We have been dating for almost 2 years. I love her very much, and would not be happy is she were not in my life. I enjoy living with her, we enjoy the same recreational activities and never even really argue. She is happy, is very much in love with me and would be devastated if we split.

The problem is . . . she's gained weight in the past 2 years. I won't be graphic, but I don't even like to look at her naked. She knows it, complains about it all the time but really doesn't make a real effort to combat it. In fact, she just goes and buys bigger clothes. As a result, I am not attracted to her physically.

I don't know what to do. There are no good options. The dream scenario is that she live in my house and we continue our relationship as friends, like Jerry and Elaine. This is probably very selfish of me but all other options frankly suck.

I also feel guilty because it seems so shallow, we're talking 20-30 lbs making me feel this way. She is still a wonderful, brilliant woman.

I don't know what to do, advice please.
Old 02-11-2008, 01:22 PM nalgene is offline  
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M|22
 
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get off your lazy ass and go workout with her?
Old 02-11-2008, 01:24 PM M|22 is offline  
#2  

Foolioq
 
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You can't date a woman you're not physically attracted to. Do not feel bad. Girls who I find brilliant, but unattractive, I keep as friends for great conversation. I can only like them as friends. Never force yourself to love someone sexually who you don't find attractive.

So, my advice would be to tell her to shape up or you will ship out, if you really want this to work. Maybe ask someone else on how to say it though, I tend not to be very good with words.
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:25 PM Foolioq is offline  
#3  

FM 2347
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M|22 View Post
get off your lazy ass and go workout with her?
Old 02-11-2008, 01:25 PM FM 2347 is offline  
#4  

Cannondale
 
I really hope you're not overweight yourself. Go work out together. Jog, gym, walks...
Old 02-11-2008, 01:26 PM Cannondale is offline  
#5  

nalgene
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by M|22 View Post
get off your lazy ass and go workout with her?
I work out 5 days/week and ride bikes, kayak and run on the weekends.

She takes kickboxing* 3 times a week, has 2 Reece Cups and a real Coke on the way to and then afterwards "rewards" herself with more terrible food (giant pasta dishes, loaded baked potatoes).

I bought her a road bike for Christmas, begged her to come to the gym with me (she doesn't like lifting weights), tried to make diet suggestions without saying "you're fat".

I am/have been trying, trust me.

*girls only/light aerobic, not the "real" kind.
Old 02-11-2008, 01:30 PM nalgene is offline  
#6  

MrMaN383
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as has been stated, you can either attempt to whip her into shape or you can bounce but theres no magic wand for making you hot for a girl you arent attracted to.
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:31 PM MrMaN383 is offline  
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MrMaN383
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nalgene View Post
I work out 5 days/week and ride bikes, kayak and run on the weekends.

She takes kickboxing* 3 times a week, has 2 Reece Cups and a real Coke on the way to and then afterwards "rewards" herself with more terrible food (giant pasta dishes, loaded baked potatoes).

I bought her a road bike for Christmas, begged her to come to the gym with me (she doesn't like lifting weights), tried to make diet suggestions without saying "you're fat".

I am/have been trying, trust me.

*girls only/light aerobic, not the "real" kind.

posted before seeing this. she obviously is not interested in actually putting in the necessary work to accomplish (your) goals. sucks but time to leave for greener pastures.
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:33 PM MrMaN383 is offline  
#8  

code30
 
as others have said, encourage her to work out by working out with her. Cook her healthy meals, and if you live an unhealthy lifestyle, make the change together. If you already live healthy, it shouldn't be too hard to help encourage her to change as well.

Ask her if there is a reason she feels that she has gained the weight. If she eats due to stress try to help her work through that, and make a plan where when she feels stressed she can tell you and you guys can go do something active together.

And I can almost guarantee that she's not going to want to live with you like Jerry and Elaine if you break up with her because she gained weight.

edit: didn't see your post before I said this - if she's not into the lifestyle that you're into, she's probably not willing to change.

It sounds like you know and enjoy living a healthy lifestyle, and it sounds like she doesn't understand the importance. Explain to her that the soda and chocolate negate pretty much everything she does in her workout. If she gets them from home, try replacing her snacks with healthy ones. If she's getting them elsewhere, there's really nothing you can do to stop her.

You really need to sit down and explain how you feel to her. Obviously in a gentle way, and explain that you are willing to help her make the change, but that she needs to work with you if she wants to change.

Last edited by code30; 02-11-2008 at 01:39 PM..
Old 02-11-2008, 01:34 PM code30 is offline  
#9  

M|22
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nalgene View Post
I work out 5 days/week and ride bikes, kayak and run on the weekends.

She takes kickboxing* 3 times a week, has 2 Reece Cups and a real Coke on the way to and then afterwards "rewards" herself with more terrible food (giant pasta dishes, loaded baked potatoes).

I bought her a road bike for Christmas, begged her to come to the gym with me (she doesn't like lifting weights), tried to make diet suggestions without saying "you're fat".

I am/have been trying, trust me.

*girls only/light aerobic, not the "real" kind.
well if that's the case you aren't going to convince her on your own

maybe you should leave
Old 02-11-2008, 01:36 PM M|22 is offline  
#10  

Assyrian
 
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Be 1) direct with her and tell her to get off her lazy ass, she's killing herself or 2) just bounce.
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:38 PM Assyrian is offline  
#11  

FM 2347
I am offended by the world isajeep.
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nalgene View Post
I work out 5 days/week and ride bikes, kayak and run on the weekends.

She takes kickboxing* 3 times a week, has 2 Reece Cups and a real Coke on the way to and then afterwards "rewards" herself with more terrible food (giant pasta dishes, loaded baked potatoes).

I bought her a road bike for Christmas, begged her to come to the gym with me (she doesn't like lifting weights), tried to make diet suggestions without saying "you're fat".

I am/have been trying, trust me.

*girls only/light aerobic, not the "real" kind.


With that said she's not willing to get into shape enough to keep you interested and you shouldn't feel obligated to be with a girl you're aren't attracted to anymore.
Old 02-11-2008, 01:40 PM FM 2347 is offline  
#12  

ruffz
 
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i'm sure you know as well as i do that exercise isn't going to do shit if she eats junk before and after. you need to clue her in on that. my girlfriend is kind of similar but has been slowly losing weight instead of gaining, she could be down to her target weight by now if she didn't eat junk foods but can't fight the urge to. i'm in great shape myself so i think she has a drive to match me. i don't have to say or do anything with her, she just diets on her own because she thinks she looks fat.

just like you i fell in love with my girl for her personality and our chemistry, not because of her body. like others have said - work out with her, and when you're with her try to eat healthier foods and maybe she'll join you. if you start telling her you don't want to have sex with her, that'll do one of two things. it'll either make her dump you immediately, or it'll light a fire in her to lose weight so that she keeps you. you'll really be treading through dangerous waters if you refuse to have sex with her.
Old 02-11-2008, 01:47 PM ruffz is offline  
#13  

headlight
 
if she cared for you and your feelings, and the relationship, she'd want to stay healthy for both of your sake, not even just hers. it has been said that it's hard to love someone else if you don't love yourself, and letting yourself become increasingly unhealthy while in the midst of a relationship with someone fairly well does show that you aren't the most important to her, and that's when relationships start to fail.

your other half in a relationship should always be more important to you, and this is only the start of a downward trend on her part where you will gradually become less and less important. best advice? show her this thread. it addresses all concerns, including your inability to put this into words to her.

if she cares about you and the relationship, she'll figure out what she needs to do. she should also understand that the solution doesn't come overnight either. just as she gained the weight over two years, she shouldn't expect to lose it all overnight.
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:49 PM headlight is offline  
#14  

ruffz
 
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for fucks sake don't just up and leave her like some people are suggesting. evidently some of you don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone for two years. if you love them you don't just throw it all away because they gained 20-30 pounds. give her at least a good few months to show she wants to lose weight. if that time has passed and she's obviously not serious about it, then start thinking about moving onto someone that can take care of themselves.
Old 02-11-2008, 01:54 PM ruffz is offline  
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